Guilt and shame are the natural consequences of trauma. Let’s go over what these two things mean together and what it will be like to work with them in therapy.
Guilt
Guilt is defined by the phrase, “I did…” It relates to a specific act that was or was not taken, and the fallout of that.
Sometimes, guilt can be good. We should feel bad if we cause excessive harm, and we should want to be accountable for that. Guilt can be the first stages of an accountability process.
That’s not always how guilt shows up in therapy though. Often, guilt is felt as a pervasive blaming of the self for things outside of one’s control. It becomes reflexive: because there was a bad outcome, I am to blame.
If you’re experiencing guilt, expect us to account for what exactly you can be accountable for and what is beyond your control. We’ll discuss accountability where possible, and releasing guilt where it’s not yours to carry.
Shame
Shame is defined by the phrase, “I am…” It relates to a general way of being that has come to define our narrative.
Wherever there is shame present, there is trauma, oppression, and powerlessness. We learn to internalize our experiences, we start to think we deserve our horrific treatment.
Later, we might leave that experience or situation. But it stays with us in the form of shame. If you are feeling horrible and can’t determine an external cause, shame is a likely culprit.
Healing from shame involves reprocessing our experiences so we can see them from a different perspective. We shouldn’t have been treated in this harmful way, we deserved to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
In our therapy process, we will make use of art and physical activity to connect with our feelings. We’ll also talk about our experiences. Shame involves a lot of unlearning of our intuitive sense of self which means it also involves learning who we can become.
Why always together?
Guilt and shame often come together because we can struggle to differentiate them. If we have experiences of being harmed, we can lose our sense of self in that process.
The people and institutions causing us harm want us to blame ourselves. That way, we don’t blame them.
We start to see something we do and something that is done to us as one thing that happens and is our fault. But it’s not true. People always have choices in how they respond to us.
If someone makes a mistake, it is possible to rectify it without a shame based, “I am,” narrative. If someone is being accountable, there is no need to hold onto the guilt from that situation.